Already got asked if we're dating
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
