I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Randomize
