The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
