for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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