I haven't been this sober since birth.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Also, beer. Big fan.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
