Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
