I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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