I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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