We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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