Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
