I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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