Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
