alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
