so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
