So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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