He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
