i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
