apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
