apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
