Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
