Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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