in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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