I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
