it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
