You're my little dorito
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
