I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
