stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
