I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
