omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
