He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
as a side note pls kill me
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