after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
