And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
