if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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