i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I think a kid would responsible me up
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
