Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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