My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
