having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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