Soap is not a condiment
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
