the condom got lost in my hair
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
