Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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