haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
