I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
