ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
