i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
he fucked my hip out of place.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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