Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
