I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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