the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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