yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
