you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
