Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
