The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
