My nipple is on Facebook.
I will die if light touches me.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i dont even know how to be here
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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